To Be Better Understood, Anne Learned To Do Serious Uptalk

Both Genders Do Uptalk But Women Do It More Often

I feel compelled to weigh in on Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s comments on ‘uptalk’, previous known as ‘Valley Girl’ talk. The myth that only women do ‘uptalk’, basically ending a statement or sentence with a lilt in the voice, rather than a more declarative downward finale, has been debunked. Researchers now claim that men also do uptalk, but women outnumber them two to one.

Senator Gillibrand was speaking yesterday at The Atlantic’s Shriver Report summit on women and poverty. As expected, Gillibrand mostly focused on policy issues: universal pre-K, affordable daycare, paid family leave, etc. During the questioning period, a male member of the audience asked about a stickier gender conversation: women who hold themselves back through their self-presentation.

Instead of responding with a Lean In-style answer, the senator gave a more nuanced answer, writes The Atlantic.

“The interesting thing about women is that we are often collaborative in nature,” Gillibrand said. “We generally prefer to be well-liked, and we like for people around us to be happy. These are some skills we learn being mothers and daughters: We feed everyone at the table, try to make everyone happy …”

At this point, her interviewer, National Journal’s Ron Brownstein, interrupted. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked with a sly smile.

Gillibrand smiled and demurred, providing a real-time illustration of her observations about men and women’s social tendencies. 

“This issue of likability. For a lot of young women, they want to be well-liked. If they’re too aggressive, or too pushy, or too declarative, they won’t be well-liked,” she said.

Anne Learned To Do Uptalk, AKA Known As Going To Charm School

Bingo! In my case, learning to do uptalk required a total remodulation of my Manhattan voice after I became an executive at Victoria’s Secret. Perhaps midway in my 10-year tenure at Victoria’s Secret, after I became the head of product development and fashion director, I found myself in a situation where I had to influence many VS buyers and other executives within the organization.

I remember one Friday-afternoon meeting in the VS headquarters in Columbus — a big seasonal, trend-planning meeting — where a controversy broke out over my not liking an idea, when I actually had no problem with it.  This wasn’t the first time I faced this ‘be a nice girl, not a New York bitch’ confusion at Victoria’s Secret. Frankly I met it instantly on my arrival, being one of the first executives recruited from either coast.

This Friday afternoon I was a bit exasperated that people believed they could tell from my tone of voice what I was thinking — and then get it all wrong. After four years, they should know me better. But again, I had moved away from a merchandising position where I dealt primarily with manufacturers into one in which I was dealing with a large group of very competent VS professionals — none of them wating a VS design studio in the first place.

That night I went home and did some real soul-searching about the tone in my voice. About a decade prior, I had a public affairs radio show and heard my voice then. It was warm and engaging but tended to end — not so much on a down note — but with a declarative tone. I decided that night that I would not succeed in this new VS role unless I learned to do uptalk.

The entire weekend, I taped myself and played back my own voice. By Monday morning, I arrived in my VS office ready to try out the new me. Our standard Monday meeting convened and I waited to see if anyone would notice the change. Because I was expected to talk quite a lot in this meeting, the VS awakening didn’t take long.

Our notoriously blunt president Grace Nichols, with whom I had an excellent relationship, stopped me cold the minute I opened my mouth. “What did you do?” she asked. “With your voice … what did you do?”

Now I didn’t answer that I learned to do uptalk. My answer was more intellectual. “I went to charm school,” was my reply. The change in my voice was so dramatic, that it became an insider joke at Victoria’s Secret. If someone was acting up or being obnoxious, Grace would say “You better shape up or we’re sending you to the (Linda) Anne Enke charm school.”

Being a Lean In kind of woman, I found it quite interesting that after learning to do uptalk, I NEVER again had a problem with being misunderstood. People no longer thought I hated an idea, when I was actually neutral about it or wanting to hear more. In all honesty, I became a more effective executive after learning to do uptalk.

My Manhattan Voice Is Long Gone

At this point in my life, I have no idea what my old voice sounds like; I couldn’t call it up if I tried. Not being taken seriously has never been an issue in my professional or personal life. Perhaps the same can be said for Kirsten Gillibrand, a former high-powered attorney. For us, learning uptalk helps to soften our strong egos and self-confidence — not so much because we want to be liked — but because a more diplomatic style of dealing with people makes us more effective leaders.

Writer Emma Green finds Gillibrand’s comments refreshing, and so do I. I do believe that young women are responsible for cultivating their own self-presentation. In my case, I chose to learn uptalk because I had only done downtalk my entire life. To be totally honest — I like myself better this way. ~ Anne