Ellen Gayda: Submission Is Rarely A Healthy Woman Gift to Men

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Taryn Andreatta On Artistic Nudity, the Female Body, Feminism & Divinity AOC Sensual Rebel

by Philadelphia Body Psychotherapist Ellen Gayda

Hi Anne,

I have spent time reviewing all the correspondence over last month that was posted on AOC, between you and Taryn, based on her photographs and commentary on ‘The Offering’.

Ah! such a slippery slope that has no hard edges to grab onto, especially when one has to really reflect on one’s personal position, inside and outside of the bedroom, on healthy feminine expression. I think, it is important to state my own prejudice upfront: the photos that reflect her kneeling, the empty look, the feminine bondage are not really positive messages that support female dignity here or abroad. They stimulate old world machismo that thrives on harnessing women’s power as a sport, craft or entitlement.

Let’s move off the photographs and for discussion sake, focus on the Taryn comments that created such a feminist reaction, equating an allegedly natural state of submissiveness with women’s nurturing impulse. Arguing that woman’s natural state is to be submissive, she contrasts femaleness to the stronger male counterpart which is dominance and behavior as alleged protector of females and children.

I would say that she is mixing up two different impulses. Women being subordinate to the stronger energy of men, other than arguably physically so, is not a natural experience but a learned one.

Healthy Women Embrace Inner Strength

In a healthy society where men respect women and women are positive role models to one another, a woman is encouraged to embrace her own sensual, chaotic creative power and then learn to harness it responsibly. She discovers she carries a wild force of nature within her that is so potent that she is even capable of co-creation.

Roman sculpture depicting Achilles battling an Amazon woman warrior. Via CelebrateGreece.com

Of course, she learns through the magnetic attraction to her polarized counterpart that her experience of self is heightened.  If not taught well with an evolved sense of self, she could give over her power to a man. If women haven’t tapped into their own creative energies before they meet their counterpart, then they often attribute the excitement and power of the experience to their lover, rather than the combined forces of both.

If this happens, a woman can easily become submissive to her perceived better half and forget her own essential self. This kind of recommended female offering of self creates suspicion and concern among feminists, especially when it’s essentially the same description of women’s roles advocated by today’s religious fundamentalists worldwide and including America.

There is a difference between co-dependence which is another version of unhealthy self- sacrifice, intra-dependence, which is essential to create a strong self reliance and interdependence, which is what a healthy relationship is. Women fail themselves when they never learn to hold themselves, intimately nurture their own needs and become dependent upon another to do so for them. Learning how to love oneself unconditionally is the ultimate act of nurturing.

Nurturing Self In Order to Nurture Others

If a woman doesn’t learn self nurturing then what nurturing love can she offer another? If she shuns or abdicate her own responsibility in learning this essential lesson, then she will want a man to step in to harness her. This is a difficult lesson for women to learn because they so desire to be desired. The cost can be developing a relationship with oneself that establishes self respect, internal security and an understanding of who one is. In terms of offering, one can not offer anything that one has not already claimed as one’s own. If a women chooses to submit her power to her lover, then she had better know where the beginning, middle and end of that gesture is — or she will gets lost in translation.

‘My Muse’ by Vahan BegoHow do I know this? Everyday as a therapist I work with young woman, and then older women in my women’s circle, who have lost themselves along the way. My own experiences also have proven that if I don’t claim myself first, then whomever drops into my life is not getting the whole me.

Women Wisdom Carriers & Lawmakers | Male Law Enforcers

I once had the privilege of spending the evening with an Aboriginal wise woman from Australia, some twenty five years ago. She shared to a group of women that in their archaic culture, the women are the lawmakers for their society. They are recognized by the tribal men as the wisdom carriers. The role of the men is to be law enforcers.

Our woman of the world are rarely confident enough in their complexity ( because it hasn’t been exalted, nor encouraged but put down) to know how to harness their own power. It is the obligation of every woman to become deeply curious about what is required of oneself to sufficiently develop her will forces, so she can help shape her natural power into useful wisdom.

If women play with their power, give it away, never develop it fully, have traumatic incidents that rob them of the natural development of personal efficacy, she will be left in a submissive and weakened position that carries no weight in her family or society.

The impulse behind the feminist movement was to create an active reminder to all the patriarchal paradigms that women are as capable of self regulation and responsible decision making as any man, when given the respect, opportunity and equality.

Flirting with Submission

A perfect example which probably most women have experienced is when she finds herself submitting to sexual play that she otherwise would not be inclined toward, because she is “under the influence”. Yes, she is free from inhibition at the time and it looks and feels like submission, or surrenderance, is positive and empowering. That same woman is often left feeling a sense of self-degradation and anger. Why?

Whenever, a woman or man for that matter, acts out of a weaken, diluted will that is void of full consciousness, there is a little loss or death of the soul that is experienced. Often, in my therapy sessions of BodyWord®, I am helping women who don’t feel personally empowered to retrieve this lost soul power.

The question now becomes what else Taryn might have been exploring in her statements. Can an act of surrendering to other ever be a natural, fulfilling experience that is life giving? And, is there a more natural capacity for a woman versus a man?

I always get a little anxious around topics and photos where lover’s submission is implied, because I am unclear where the act of surrendering comes from. Other than the necessity of a woman to surrender in childbirth, it is a rare for a woman to be so flexible in her body, heart and soul.

Kneeling Woman Holding Painting of Herself by Frank Eugene 1900-1908The power of intention is at the heart of every human action to be contemplated. A woman who claims herself fully in the conscious act of sharing herself with her body as a expression of love is not partaking in an act of submission but in union — if the intention is mutual by both giver and receiver. This is the nature of Tantric union.

Submission vs Momentary, Mutual Tantric Surrender

I think Taryn mixed two different subject matters together: submission and momentary, mutual surrender. Exploring whether the capacity to be so open and vulnerable to another is a natural impulse of a woman more so than a man, I can’t answer. In my life I was privileged to feel moments of complete trust and it took a mutual capacity for such a union to occur. I also was aware of the rarity of such unity.

Personally if a couple can ever be so open, vulnerable without any resistances between them or within their own selves,  then they are acting on an impulse of total trust of pure love. Somewhere though Anne, I don’t see images of harnesses in those moments.

I have created a little test for your readers Anne. Imagine standing before your lover and being loosely tied up as suggested in one of Taryn’s photos and saying ” I am offering myself to you. I submit to you. “. What are you feeling in your body when you speak those words? Repeat them until you can honestly track all your feelings throughout your body’s energy centers. Check with your heart, your gut, your sexual centers, your throat, your breathing, your legs, your mind’s eye. Is all of you in agreement with your words? If not, what else are you feeling? What is the rest of your emotional body wisdom telling you?

Can one ever completely surrender to another unconditionally? I believe so momentarily that the veil of the ego can drop. When this happens the couple enters the realm of a spiritual experience. This is, of course, the exception, not the rule. It requires two beings able to share a greater state of grace, in the Presence of Love. A photograph all lovers would gaze upon without question.

Blessings and Love to Your Readers, Ellen

Ellen Gayda, founder of Bodyword® and The Labyrinth of the Feminine Soul, a wise woman’s circle

Women Who Run with ‘The Wolves’: A healthy woman is much like a wolf, strong life force, life-giving, territorily aware, intuitive and loyal. Yet seperation from her wildish nature causes a woman to become meager, anxious, and fearful. The wild nature carries the medicine for all things. She carries stories, dreams, words and songs. She carries everything a woman needs to be and know. She is the essence of the female soul… With the wild nature as ally and teacher, we see not through two eyes only, but through the many eyes of intuition. With intuition we are like the starry night, we gaze at the world through a thousand eyes. ~~Clarissa Pinkola Estes Women who run with wolves thanks to Perceptive Artista…

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