Taking a Second Look
While we’re loading up the cars, preparing to leave for your journey to “la dolce vita”, I want you to take a good look at your lover today. You need to see him or her in a new light.
Yes, that man or woman lying next to you in bed is not only the potential source of sensual pleasure and relaxing intimacy. Your lover could be better for your health than any vitamin in your medicine chest. A daily dose of emotional togetherness will help you maximize your full potential at work, at home – in virtually every aspect of daily living.
If your intimacy is sexual, that’s even better. Especially for women, there’s no such thing as too much sex.
Please excuse the metaphor, but I’m not playing around here. This is serious business. I hope that you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, you have missed sharing one of life’s greatest pleasures.
Sex | Long-term Health Provider
I want you to go home tonight and take another look at your spouse or intimate partner. This person can become your best health provider.
Scientists know that most endorphins are good for us. The ones released during all phases of the intimate experience — from kissing, touching and sensual foreplay, to intercourse and orgasm of any kind, produce significant health benefits. The positive impact of endorphins, especially oxytocin, on our psychological and emotional wellbeing is well documented.
You need to understand oxytocin and its many benefits for you and everyone around you.
For starters, if stress is zapping your sense of happiness, emotional balance, and connection to your spouse, good sex helps restore it.
In reality, saying that we are too tired, or too stressed to have sex, is the worst line of defense against stress. Because stress contributes significantly to many of your today and tomorrow health problems, you must reduce it in your life.
When you’re done reading this book, you will know that the blissful feeling one often experiences after making love is due to the body’s increasing production of endorphins by 200% from the beginning to the end of each sexual experience.
Oxytocin levels surge to levels five times higher than normal during orgasm. Women typically emphasize the importance of intimate, sensual foreplay and often reject the importance of orgasm in experiencing sexual satisfaction. You or your partner may be one of those women.
I will show you that orgasms are important for many psychological and health-benefit reasons. We shouldn’t over-emphasize orgasms by insisting that no sexual experience is complete without them, that every sexual experience must end in orgasm for both partners.
Nevertheless, the health benefits of sexual orgasm are significant. Communicating and working with your spouse or partner to achieve orgasm is a good thing, equally important for women and men.
When you fully understand the benefits of orgasms, why would you ever want to get out of bed? Ah, yes. Take the kids to school; prepare for next Tuesday’s client presentation; file your taxes; buy your girlfriend a birthday present; attend next Saturday’s NASCAR race.
Your To Do List is overflowing, and now I want another item on your overbooked agenda. I can hear you thinking to yourself. Will the pressure never end!
This book is about health facts and setting personal priorities. I challenge you to make good sex, with a willingness to work towards orgasm with your partner, a high priority in your life, one that’s just important as the NBA basketball finals or shopping for bargains at Costco.
Personally, I am stunned and very concerned by the growing number of sexless or low-sex marriages in America, and its impact on the national divorce rate. My knowledge of the problem is largely anecdotal, except for stories in the national press. I know of many sexless or low-sex (10 times a year) marriages.
Most of these marriages are not between two busy professionals with young children, the most challenging household for maintaining good sex. Many sexless marriages are between couples with no children or mid-life couples with children no longer at home.
The search for excuses to explain this growing lack of intimacy is endless. The answers are within us, within you — as the reader of my book.
We must see good sex as a positive force in promoting the overall health of our marriages and intimate relationships. Playing with your partner in and out of the bedroom helps keep you out of divorce court. You become healthy and have a better chance at staying wealthy when sexual playtime becomes a scheduled part of your life together.
Several researchers define optimal sexual playtime as three times a week or more. Given the state of America’s bedrooms, I know this goal sounds absurd, but it’s ours to shoot for and not with bullets.
Being the CEO of Your Superyoung Life
Understanding the positive correlation between good sex, physical exercise and a newer, better you is the first step you will take in becoming the CEO of your own Superyoung health system.
You might think that pharmaceutical companies, doctors, hospitals and other healthcare professionals are responsible for your life-management system.
They’re not responsible. You are. And I’m telling you that this CEO job can be a whole lot of fun, if you play by certain rules.
Behavioral medicine is a growing trend in self-management healthcare. The belief is that as individuals, we can do a lot to postpone what nature has in store for us. Every day we make direct decisions about how long we are going to live and what our overall state of health will be.
University of Chicago preventive gerontologist Michael Roizen, M.D. co-author of Real Age: Are You As Young As You Can Be? and The RealAge Makeover: Take Years off Your Looks and Add Them to Your Life estimates that by the time we reach 50, 90 percent of our health is due to the choices that we actually make in everyday living.
Most CEOs don’t begin to have direct control over 90 percent of the results generated in their companies. You do, when it comes to your own health maintenance system. True — we have more scientific information than ever about the addictive nature of many foods we eat.
Brain scans now show us what happens to our cognitive faculties when our diet is primarily fast foods. I can be bossy if I don’t check myself. On this subject, I just want to make a mountain of the research and ask you how you can ignore what is a truly frightening set of facts.
Even if you’ve done a bad job in healthcare self-management, you can turn your life around. We are not hamsters in cages, my dear friends. This is a can do health prognosis.
Researching this book confirmed what I know to be true, based on my own experience and progress. You can rewrite your health review. I turned my own life inside out in 2003, getting myself on track — not from a dreadful place, but one known to way too many Americans.
I will show you that good sex, a healthy diet and physical exercise are far more dependable in avoiding long-term illness and health complications, than relying on the national health care system.
We’re a pill-swallowing society, and we’re headed for a big crash. So please put down the glass of water and consider that sex is your salvation, even if sex is with yourself. It’s time to leave the bird cage of security and fly unused sensual wings.
Sex As Physical Exercise
When experts like Dr. Weeks report that sex is physical exercise, they’re not talking about a lackluster, five-minute sexual performance. There are no physical activity benefits to being a sexual slug.
If you’re a woman doing your dear husband a favor with monthly sexual donations, we need to work on a more proactive, selfish attitude regarding the benefits to you get from sexual activity.
You don’t have to swing from the chandelier, but you must move your body with physical exertion in order to get any calorie credit.
If your sexual encounter is loving but nonphysical, and both of you enjoy it that way, you will both experience some of the benefits of good sex, especially those derived from intimate touching.
The entire list of health benefits is yours, only when you move physically with your partner for over 21 minutes, the minimum exercise period for achieving significant results on a treadmill, walking briskly. With the physical ebb and flow of good lovemaking, this means you’re probably exercising in bed for 30 minutes to an hour.
Please stop groaning at me. Ok, 30 minutes and hopefully you’ll get so carried away, you’ll lose the alarm clock. It’s been known to happen to me.
Before doing a Dorothy and transporting ourselves to the South of France for our journey to Superyoung sensuality, I want to talk to each of you personally.
We’re a sensually composite group forming for our trip to “la dolce vita”. Some of us want to expand our sensual horizons even further, soaking up all the new science around responsible pleasure. Statistically more of us have challenges in the bedroom, often grounded in our own self-image and lack of self-love.
You: The Incredibly Lucky One
Amazing, isn’t it? I told you that good sex is a beautiful, life-enhancing activity. I hope that you’ve enjoyed our initial cruise down this exciting sexual-information highway, although you’re probably ready to write a book yourself.
You may be joining us because you are one of the fortunate ones. Good sex is an integrated part of your everyday existence. Your spouse leaves you more “turned-on” sexually today than 10 years ago. Her workout training inspires you to run 20 miles a week yourself. Recently you shared an appreciative, acknowledging nod with another man, who watched her walking out of the restaurant in front of you.
Luckily, your spouse is not one of the 30-40 percent of women who seeks couples counseling because she is the high-desire partner in the relationship. Your woman has a high libido and so do you.
And you there, scanning these words. I wonder what it’s like hanging out with such a young-looking guy. You think this book was written about your partner. Everyone says that he looks 40, not 52.
It continually amazes you that such a man-cave guy, one who rides a motorcycle to work, actually took a sensual massage class with you. If the truth be told, his touching technique is better than yours, and the results are forever memorable, both inside the bedroom and out.
Nice going. The two of you are among the fortunate ones. You are reading this book, because you’re fascinated with learning and making your life even better, for yourself and your partner.
Both of you are already the CEOs of your own life-management systems.
You live life with a creative flair, especially when it comes to your sexuality. Connecting with your partner in intimate ways happens on a daily basis, not once or twice a week. The connection may be a hug only or a sexy text message as she starts the car. You want to leave her in neutral all day, simmering with sensual desire.
Of course she’ll still work late at the office. But she’ll be focused and on fire, when she walks through the door.
The two of you are probably smiling right now—in your heart, as well as on your faces. No one has to tell you about the health benefits of good sex. Your doctor, your business colleagues—even your rabbi—remark that you two have discovered the secret of youth.
Don’t do us any favors.
There is no social benefit attached to keeping this knowledge a secret. I can share the scientific information, but every movement needs role models. Be one. If you regularly experience the joys and health benefits of living a loving, sensual existence, tell your friends.
You: Like Most of Us Are Struggling
You feel that your spouse or life partner just doesn’t “get it”, despite the proliferation of books about sex that are published every year. You want to experience the longevity and anti-aging benefits of good sex, but you must have an intimate, loving sexual relationship before you can increase it in frequency.
You will buy this book (when published), read it, and then leave it on the nightstand, where your spouse or partner can see it. No more arguing about what’s wrong with you, that you can’t control your sex drive. This isn’t a morality discussion anymore; your desire for sex more than once a month is a positive health issue, and your burying this book front and center in the bedroom.
And you there, reading on your PC.
Having sex every Friday night at 11 doesn’t do it for you. Once-a-week sex is not enough, and after reading this book, you intend to stop apologizing to your partner for needing more intimacy. Just for the record, you would like to change time, place, and sexual frequency. You’ve been tempted to post your misery on Facebook.
This book is now your ally in the ongoing negotiation about why you two need to have sex more often. Science is on your side; so am I. We’re understanding but not politically correct.
We’ll work to solve this problem in your life, but please remember that flexibility is important on your end, too. Initiating dialogue with your partner around this subject is key. He or she may resist, trying to pave over the potholes that prevent your lover from dealing with the issues that impact health and wellbeing.
Remember that I lived this way for decades. My story should inspire you to believe that real change can come many years later and after numerous failures.
My goal is to give you a creative, persuasive, rational strategy for convincing your partner to start talking — and touching, too. The initial steps may be small ones.
What matters is progress, movement towards a more intimate connection, accompanied by real communication between the two of you. The only quickies in this book are sexual. Progress will be slow but steady.
You, the Undersexed Partner
Perhaps you are the undersexed partner in your relationship, and you’re tired of hearing about it. You’re a woman and you’re tired. For you, sex is a headache. You are over-stressed, over-worked, and over-committed. Your seriously over-weight, couch-potato spouse is leaving you more than a little under-whelmed in bed these days. To be honest- you’re tired of hearing about flagging libido.
You want America to know that the best thing for your libido is a weekend in bed – alone. No kids, no clients, no commitments, no sexual disappointment — just pure peace and quiet.
You resent all this conversation about more sex. Where’s the damn comments section!
If the truth be told, you did enjoy sex when you met your husband. But life isn’t perfect; no one ever said that marriage is a rose garden. That was then; now is now. The sex is over.
I see your point and strongly endorse the benefits of R&R for your overall health and wellbeing. But before you head over to the Huffington Post, remember that women who are dissatisfied with their sex life have a higher risk of having heart attacks, than women who enjoy the benefits of good sex.
As for just swearing off sex, it’s not a good idea.
In his book Love and Survival, the well-known cardiologist Dean Ornish, M.D. writes “love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing.”
Ornish argues that an open heart can lead to the most joyful and ecstatic sex. His researches into intimacy and its effects on health have shown that “anything that promotes feelings of love and intimacy is healing.” If you have someone who really cares for you and for whom you care in return, someone you are intimately connected with in all ways emotional, physical and more—then you may be three to five times less likely at risk of premature death and disease from all causes. (FN)
If your situation seems hopeless, you must consider another, life-enhancing approach for you and your partner. Perhaps you need to be the short-term CEO for both of you. You manage every other aspect in your relationship, why not this one?
Take the lead again, in managing your way out of a lackluster relationship and into a revitalized one where both of you are CEOs, not just you. It can be done, so stop saying the situation is hopeless.
Encourage your spouse to read this book after you. Surely yours is a two-computer household. The long list of issues that plague marriages and relationships is not only a danger to your beloved’s health, it’s a danger to yours. Let’s get selfish here.
If your partner is unhealthy, understand that the problems are likely both physical and psychological. And you shouldn’t feel guilty that your lover’s health problems are having an impact — not only on his or her sexual desire — but on your own, too.
As a woman, you may be quietly angry that your sex life isn’t what it once was. You’ll be even angrier if you wakeup finding yourself a widow, because the two of you couldn’t communicate about this issue. And you’ll be furious when you discover that your suffering in silence has created a heart problem of your own.
And you, perhaps you’re the wife of our oversexed reader guy preparing to print out PDFs of every chapter. You admit that he’s a good, loving husband. He’s never cheated on you and god knows he could have, because he’s attractive to women. But you don’t owe him frequent sex.
You’re uncomfortable that I seem intent on building a strong case around the benefits of good sex. “My husband will love you” you say. “But women aren’t built this way; our sex drive isn’t as strong. What’s important to us women is intimacy.”
Besides, you ask. “Isn’t there such a thing as too much sex?”
Let me deliver a message to women loud and clear. You cannot have too much sex. I don’t know of a medical study that concludes that there is any downside to having sex every single day of the year.
In fact, the mantra for women is “use it or lose it”. Not exercising your sexual organs frequently can cause them to atrophy, impacting your internal and external physical and emotional appearance. You are turning your back on a free, life-enhancing fountain of youth.
There is evidence that a super-charged man who wants sex multiple times in one day, on a consistent basis, could suffer health consequences.
And you, my friend, you’re the advocate of strategic sexual abstinence. You think that medical evidence proves that conserving sexual energy is a health benefit. You tell yourself that “saving yourself” for Monday morning’s meeting with your boss will give you some kind of competitive edge.
For you, sexual abstinence this weekend has a higher purpose. It will help you to maintain focus and negotiate a better raise, allowing you and your spouse to make up those missed payments into your son’s college tuition fund. After all, he’s graduating in two years and tuition costs just went up another 15 percent last year.
Sorry. There’s no evidence that “saving yourself” by abstaining from sex, sharpens your competitive edge, helps you to think better, or increases verbal communication skills. In fact, the opposite is true. Good sex increases your brainpower; abstinence diminishes it.
Bottom line, Mother Nature is not a silly woman. She has both brains and beauty; sense and sensuality.
Now science is on her side. It’s time for action.