Anne Is Mistaken for a Corset Terrorist

I feel so much better hearing that America’s Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano has reversed her statement from yesterday, that the airport security system worked in thwarting the bombing of a Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas.

This morning on “Today”, Ms. Napolitano said that perhaps the world had taken her comments out of context.

That’s a bunch of hooey, because I was watching her live on CNN when she made the statement.

Turning to my friend, I remarked that her statements were astonishing and just one more example of governmental nonsense in refusing to admit that the world’s largest institutions aren’t working. Period.

I also said “These guys must really think we’re stupid.”

Now that Secretary Napolitano has sobered up, let me tell you a funny story about my own recent encounter with American airport security.

Returning from Tucson to New York over Thanksgiving, I found myself with a white shirt and only black bras for the trip home.

As we all know, I can be a bit devilish and so I decided to torment my friend all the way back to New York, wearing a white corset under my shirt.

I’m no idiot. Of course I knew that the metal hooks in front would set off airport security. I have a piece of titanium embedded in my body and get the airport security pat down anyway. At this point, it’s a quick drill, and I know how to do it.

Hours later, I created bedlam at the Phoenix International airport.

Smiling when detained, I pointed to my hip and also my white shirt, volunteering a modest view of my corsetry hardware to the security official waving me aside.

Big fashion mistake. My sexy lingerie was lighting up the security zone worse than a raid on the Taliban.

“It’s just a corset,” I explained, waiting for my pat down. “Seriously, look at the seams.”

Reality is that I hadn’t considered metal in the boning, and if you know anything about corsets, the boning is body-wide.

I didn’t argue when the frustrated, embarrassed young security woman called for her supervisor.

“Let’s just do it,” I responded, when told I would have to disrobe.

“I was the Fashion Director for Victoria’s Secret,” I explained to the Plain Jane twosome in their homeland security uniforms. “I believe in beautiful lingerie. It keeps things spicy. I’m sorry, though. I thought only the front hooks were a problem.”

Having a good relationship with my body, I prepared to whip off my shirt and get on with the inspection.

“No, no. Wait.” the incredulous supervisor explained. “You have to take off the corset, too, so I can wand it and wand you without it.”

At this point I didn’t want to remind her that I could have the explosives hidden in my rectum, like the recent bomber in Saudi Arabia. I was in enough trouble without being a smart ass.

“Wait a minute,” madam security advised me. “We will turn around and not watch you. Take off the corset and put it on the table. Then put on your shirt again. We don’t want to see your body.”

“Yup, this is how the next generation of bombers will kill me,” I thought to myself. “Hmmm I wondered, can you wear burqas on an airplane? I must take off even my thin jacket in security. How about burqas? Do they go through airport security, or is there a politically correct religious dispensation?”

No offense, Secretary Napolitano, but it’s not the corset-wearing ladies being recruited to bring down the airplane. We may be immodest slut girls, but we’re not terrorists … at least not yet.

OK, so we have no more hanky panky under the blankets on transatlantic flights, based on new rules imposed over the weekend.

While Secretary Napolitano tries to make us feel better taking away blankets, here’s a truth serum reality check. The bomber puts the ingredients in his rectum. Then he gets a phone call and the bomb blows up, as it did in Saudi Arabia with that prince of a guy a couple months ago.

My readers know the brutal truth for weeks now. We’re not lambs being led to slaughter here.

Perhaps the rectum blowup remains complicated at 30,000 feet, but they’ll figure it out any day. Terrorists are determined men.

Speaking just for myself, if I’m going down, I’d like a blanket for comfort. But if it makes you guys feel better to see us chilled, with hands where they belong, I’m sure the Vatican approves.

The wife of al-Qaeda’s number two husband says women must support the revolution.  The question is: will they wear corsets? Anne

Ellen von Unwerth photo: Smart Sensuality Women As Envisioned by Ellen von Unwerth

Re bombers: Hatred is the mother of invention London Times