A Somewhat Decadent, but Fundamentally Good Group of Lubna Ahmed Hussein Lovers Hear Her Calm, Steady Voice: 'I Want to Change This Law'
(NOTE 1: this journal essay is probably offensive to many Muslims, including my new friends. I apologize in advance, but I’m writing from the frame of reference of American and European culture. To make my point, I must unintentionally affront some people with the photos. You can take take the matter up with Prince Charles. Note 2 9/19/11 I have no idea why this article has skyrocketed, but it is the foundation of what AOC has become, over two years later. I never looked back after writing this carthasis article. Within days, I was contacted by Muslim men on behalf of Lubna and I’ve worked in concert with them to stop the flogging of women in any country ever since. More importantly, I will make no apologies for cleavage ever again in my life.) Anne)
My dear friends,
Personally, I think I’m having my own moment of divine intervention this week. I have so many muses talking to me at one time, I can’t keep them all straight in my head.
Ladies: one at a time, PLEASE!
Also, not to worry. I’ve checked in with the ‘Big Guy’ upstairs, before I open my mouth.
Big Guy Upstairs to Anne: “Go for it, my dear! You don’t need my divine guidance in this matter. The truth is in your heart. You are at the end of one journey and beginning of another. Start talking and tell everyone that I said you’ve cleared your editorial position in advance. I have no problem with trousers.”
The Perfect Protocol Brits: Anna Friel Meets Prince Charles
“Pushing Daisies” star Anna Friel met Prince Charles last weekend, at the Cartier International Polo Day. Anna Friel is looking like … looking like … well, I don’t know … perhaps a modern-day Queen Elizabeth 1, or Mary Queen of Scots or Marie Antoinette.
We have a propriety scandal on our hands, with these photos of Anna Friel and Prince Charles at the Cartier International Polo Day. Where should I post them?
Women Looking Good and With Curvature
“Hurry, hurry, Anne,” I said to myself. “Post Friel in Sensuality News. She looks gorgeous, even if … “
Polo Gazing Belongs in Dolce Vita
“No, no — Anna Friel is looking this curvaceously sensual at a polo match, for goodness sakes,” the little inner me shouted back. “Use your head, Anne. We love polo over at A of C Style. Prince Harry was a big hit, playing at Governor’s Island. You had royals checking out A of C. And royals have impeccable taste in these body image matters. There’s a long history of cleavage in the monarchy”
“Post Friel in AOC Style. Hurry up, Anne. It’s nearly noon; we haven’t all day. “
Cameron Diaz Really Still Is the Girl Next Door
One moment Diaz a Smart Sensuality American Vogue California-girl environmentalist, and the next minute — well, I don’t know. I’m rather speechless. Who knew she had ‘it’ in her? Women are so complex! Perhaps being so in touch with her physicality makes her a better person and not the work of the devil.
In many parts of the world, Cameron Diaz would be stoned to death for looking like a total temptress.
Speaking of ‘It”
“Anne, Anne. It’s Gloria and Diane; a Vanderbilt and Von Furstenberg would like to guide you here. Anne, pick up your cellphone. We’re not really ‘unknowns’. Hurry up, we want to talk to you.”
Anne to the Vanderbilt: “Gloria, I cannot write about your scandalous erotic novel this moment. At 85, you should know better than to pollute the literary culture with your decadently lavish pen. Where do you dream this stuff up?”
“And get that photo out of my journal. People will get the wrong idea about Smart Sensuality women. I’m still trying to properly frame Anna Friel’s cleavage. That photo of you and your son Anderson Cooper is … well, it’s unsettling, Gloria. Just like your ‘Obsession’ book.
A of C Girl Talk: Diane von Furstenberg & Gloria Vanderbilt
Alright, Diane and Gloria. If you MUST discuss sex in public outside of Sensuality News, negating my whole plan. Everything is running out of the box here, helter skelter.
Anne of Carversville is for ‘good girls’.
Sensuality News is well … for that side of culture that should be … well … contained, managed. What’s happening to appropriate style and fashion and advertising? Pouf! We’re becoming more and more uncivilized and culturally appropriate every day. Where will this nastiness end?
And Michelle-Style — this was my safety zone, my respite from confusion, until the First Lady went to the Vatican.
In fact, I appreciate how the Vatican and all of Rome celebrates sensuality, while simultaneously remaining ‘good’ Catholics. French Catholics also have mastered the art of la dolce vita, being in touch with the sensuality of life while living a principled existence.
Confession is the perfect antidote to inspired, natural behavior, and the Italians have nailed it. It’s an opportunity to redeem our spirits and get back on the road to a good life and religious redemption.
But I admit that Michelle Obama’s outfit gave me nightmares. It’s my dirty little secret. We are becoming more like the Middle East every day.
The Chorus Speaks
(Shakira, Madonna, Queen Elizabeth 1, Marilyn, Anais Nin, Gwen Stefani, DVF, Gloria V, Isabelle Allende, Angelina Jolie, Lubna Ahmed Hussein, Sophia Loren, Catherine Deneuve, Queen Rania, Mrs. Khaki Pants )
Mrs. Khaki Pants: I am here in honor of Lubna Ahmed Hussein and women wearing trousers. You’ve left me on the dining room table long enough, Anne. I’m joining your cause.
Anne to Mrs. Khaki Pants: but you’re a Republican, Mrs. Khaki Pants. This fight is too dicey for you. Get back on the dining room table, before you hurt yourself.
Chorus to Anne: “You don’t mean that for one moment, Anne! You leave Mrs. Khaki Pants alone. This trouser ruckus of Lubna’s is a defining moment for women.”
Anne: “For heaven’s sake; would everyone stop shouting at me! Time out!!!”“
Chorus to Anne: “Anne, it seems you’re off your game here, because of Michelle going to the Vatican dressed up like a Sicilian widow. And then Sarkozy started the burqa business.”
“Now Pixie really tried to help you out there, Anne, understanding niqab from the point of view of some Muslim women. But then Lubna got herself arrested in the Sudan for wearing trousers, and you’re like the little Dutch boy, running around trying to plug up the holes in the women’s rights dyke, because you worry that women are losing ground.”
“Are we right, Anne?”
Anne to Chorus: “Yes, Michelle’s outfit really distressed me. I know it’s irrational; I wrote that my reaction was irrational. But the whole state of American feminism scares me. Robert Fulford was right this weekend, when he wrote As Muslim women suffer, feminists avert their gaze.
No American woman is speaking out in support of Lubna Ahmed Hussein.”
I worry that women will just cave in and let our rights be taken away again. It will happen when we’re watching “Gossip Girls” or something like that.
Chorus to Anne: ” Are we deaf? You’re writing about Lubna. And what’s with this ‘Beyond Burqas’ business, Anne? And have you renamed it — like Pixie asked you to do.”
Anne to Chorus: “Yes, yes. I will rename it ‘Behind the Veil.’ That’s what Pixie wants. That name is much more palatable to Muslim women.
Anne to Chorus: “Perhaps I’m a bit overwrought. I’ve been reading about Muslim hell. It makes Catholic hell sound like a Motel 8.”
“You agree, though, that in the history of civilization, the view is that women must be contained, that we are responsible for the downfall of man, of everything that is wrong in the world, that we are polluted and inherently sinful? We are so powerful that men cannot contain their hormones within one hundred yards of us, and so we must be put under wraps.
Chorus to Anne: “Anne, girl! We thought you were over that phase!. Has the burqa business stirred everything up again?”
Anne to Chorus: “I’m not ambivalent. But it’s true! The forces to contain female sensuality remain strongly against us. I fear they are escalating, and sometimes we provoke them. You must admit — Sensuality News can be appalling at times.
Chorus to Anne: “This is Lubna’s refusal, Anne. Lubna Ahmed Hussein refuses to submit to the irrationality of fundamentalist forces. Please stay focused on Article 152 in Sudan an quit apologizing for every little female infraction.
Anne to Chorus: “Submission is subjugation.”
Chorus to Anne: “Correct.”
Anne to Chorus: “That attitude is heresy you know. Women aren’t supposed to think this way.” Controlling female sexuality is central to the established order of things, an order that has existed for centuries.
Chorus to Anne: Civilizations are at a crossroads on this topic of woman and sexuality. You are right, Anne, not to underestimate the powers that are forming. We must all find our voices — our inner Lubna.
This is why you can no longer contain the images of Anne of Carversville from Sensuality News.
Not wanting to offend, you have tried to keep the lines of demarcation straight and separate. But this is not what Smart Sensuality women are about, Anne.
We will not let you put us in good-girl, bad-girl categories, as you try to tidy things up for public consumption. Female is beautiful in the eyes of God, Anne. By now you should know that the most truly sensual women are more committed to helping the world than the straight-laced ones.
It is true that some of us use bad judgment at times, but women must have an equal voice in determining the laws that govern them. Men have made a mess of the world; they are not superior to us, Anne. Where is your courage and your own voice?
If Lubna Ahmed Hussein is flogged, we all lose. The men of the world cannot be in charge of determining what constitutes “sensationally dressing up”.
Trousers are perfectly respectable wearing apparel. You consulted the Big Guy Upstairs, right?
Anne to Chorus: I know that! Why do you think I invented Mrs. Khaki Pants? Yes, our Big Guy says ‘no problem with trousers’.
Mrs. Khaki Pants to Anne: Yes, Anne. Perhaps I have a very important role to play in this discussion. You can use a Republican woman’s voice in your international pantaloon ruckus.
Chorus to Anne: So what are you going to do now, Anne? What is your action plan?
Anne to Chorus: Well, before the Sicilian widow outfit and being quiet the entire trip, I would have sent an SOS to Michelle.
Let’s face it, Lubna has backed everyone into the corner. She resigned from the UN and refused a presidential pardon. They must either flog her or change the law. That’s all she keeps repeating: “I want to change this law.”
Chorus to Anne: “And we repeat to you: What’s your action plan, Anne?”
Anne to Chorus: “Well … I’m not sure yet. We only have until Tuesday. I was reading this morning about America’s relationship with Sudan, and I admit that I was thinking… . Hillary will be in Africa next week. Perhaps the American Secretary of State can send a back channel message that she, too, wants to attend Lubna’s flogging. How embarrassing would that be!”
“But Lubna’s one little lady in a sea of complex diplomatic initiatives going far beyond trousers. The world’s a mess, in case you haven’t noticed. Hillary can’t drop everything to keep Lubna’s pants on.”
Chorus to Anne: “Excuse us, Anne, but did you not get a message from a dear friend an hour ago.”
Anne to Chorus: “I have a zillion messages today. You mean that message? I don’t know. I must Wikipedia the message, before I write about it.
Chorus to Anne: “Did this message not come from a Muslim woman, Anne. A prominent Muslim woman, no less.”
Anne to Chorus: “Yes, yes …she is just that. The very proper, prominent Muslim woman sent a three-word message: I AM SPARTACUS!” In fact, I think she may be royalty, the very proper Saudi Arabian kind.
To be continued: Anne
Mrs Khaki Pants to Anne. (Rap, rap, rap on the bathroom door). “Anne, why are you taking so much time in the bathroom?”
Anne to MKP: “Give me a moment, KP. I’m trying out my new wrinkle cream. I’m undergoing a 13-week trial, with hopes of helping the nuns raise a lot of money — and me, too, perhaps a little. Who would have thought?”
MKP to Anne: ” Well hurry up. Anne don’t be mad, but I just posted an article. You’ve got your hands full with the new Lubna news, I thought I would help out.”
Anne to MKP: “About what? What news article?”
MKP to Anne: “It’s a wonderful new investigation by the Vatican into American nuns. Personally, I think they need a bit of reining in, Anne. Today’s American nuns have some pretty high-falutin’ ideas about their roles in life.”
Anne to MKP: (Door opens.) “Are you serious?”
MKP: ” Yes, it’s called ‘Apostolic Visitation’, and it’s conducted by the superior general of Rome — a nun, Anne. In fact, she looks like your grandmother Marie. Amazing! Even the NYT commented about her rosy cheecks. What a lovely-looking woman”
Anne to MKP: “Wow, I’d better take a look. I was up so late with Lubna. I’m actually a bit optimistic this morning. It’s only a tiny victory, if she changes one law in the world.”
MKP to Anne: “A couple more things. Pixie wrote back about working on your video interviews. She says to check out her video on YouTube. She can record in response to your questions, and you can splice in your comments. I think iMovie will work here just fine.”
Anne to MKP: ” Pixie’s on YouTube?”
“So, Anne. What’s your new skin cream?”
Anne (hesitating) to MKP: “I don’t think I should say. I’m working on how I articulate and promote their product. Nothing is agreed yet. They are highly unusual skin care makers. I’ll wait until I speak with them. Let’s face it, I’m a bit of a handful as it is.”
MKP to Anne: “OK. I don’t understand why the big mum’s the word, but as you wish. I’ve gotta go.”
MKP to Anne: “Oh, Anne, I forgot to tell you that Michelle called.”
Anne to MKP: “Michelle called? How can you forget to tell me that Michelle called!!!”
MKP to Anne: “Yes. She sends her best but says that she wishes you would get off her back in public about her looking like a Sicilian widow on her trip to the Vatican. Michelle says that you — of all people — understand the need to be culturally appropriate.”
Laughing Brutality in Woman’s Flogging Video Chills Sudan Anne of Carversville
The merciless flogging last week of a woman in Sudan has horrified so many of us. I see this poor woman in my sleep and think of her days later. I see the men laughing at her, treating her as if she is an animal. How can these bystanders have any respect for women? I see it as humanly impossible if they find this scene amusing.
This video has stirred up the discussions around repealing #152 all over again in Sudan. Given the larger concerns over the January 2011 elections to separate North and South, I fear that Sudanese women will bow to the lash in even greater numbers than the 40,00 who were whipped in 2008.