Ellen Gayda: Submission Is Rarely A Healthy Woman Gift to Men

Taryn Andreatta On Artistic Nudity, the Female Body, Feminism & Divinity AOC Sensual Rebel

by Philadelphia Body Psychotherapist Ellen Gayda

Hi Anne,

I have spent time reviewing all the correspondence over last month that was posted on AOC, between you and Taryn, based on her photographs and commentary on ‘The Offering’.

Ah! such a slippery slope that has no hard edges to grab onto, especially when one has to really reflect on one’s personal position, inside and outside of the bedroom, on healthy feminine expression. I think, it is important to state my own prejudice upfront: the photos that reflect her kneeling, the empty look, the feminine bondage are not really positive messages that support female dignity here or abroad. They stimulate old world machismo that thrives on harnessing women’s power as a sport, craft or entitlement.

Let’s move off the photographs and for discussion sake, focus on the Taryn comments that created such a feminist reaction, equating an allegedly natural state of submissiveness with women’s nurturing impulse. Arguing that woman’s natural state is to be submissive, she contrasts femaleness to the stronger male counterpart which is dominance and behavior as alleged protector of females and children.

I would say that she is mixing up two different impulses. Women being subordinate to the stronger energy of men, other than arguably physically so, is not a natural experience but a learned one.

Healthy Women Embrace Inner Strength

In a healthy society where men respect women and women are positive role models to one another, a woman is encouraged to embrace her own sensual, chaotic creative power and then learn to harness it responsibly. She discovers she carries a wild force of nature within her that is so potent that she is even capable of co-creation.

Roman sculpture depicting Achilles battling an Amazon woman warrior. Via CelebrateGreece.com

Of course, she learns through the magnetic attraction to her polarized counterpart that her experience of self is heightened.  If not taught well with an evolved sense of self, she could give over her power to a man. If women haven’t tapped into their own creative energies before they meet their counterpart, then they often attribute the excitement and power of the experience to their lover, rather than the combined forces of both.

If this happens, a woman can easily become submissive to her perceived better half and forget her own essential self. This kind of recommended female offering of self creates suspicion and concern among feminists, especially when it’s essentially the same description of women’s roles advocated by today’s religious fundamentalists worldwide and including America.

There is a difference between co-dependence which is another version of unhealthy self- sacrifice, intra-dependence, which is essential to create a strong self reliance and interdependence, which is what a healthy relationship is. Women fail themselves when they never learn to hold themselves, intimately nurture their own needs and become dependent upon another to do so for them. Learning how to love oneself unconditionally is the ultimate act of nurturing.

Nurturing Self In Order to Nurture Others

If a woman doesn’t learn self nurturing then what nurturing love can she offer another? If she shuns or abdicate her own responsibility in learning this essential lesson, then she will want a man to step in to harness her. This is a difficult lesson for women to learn because they so desire to be desired. The cost can be developing a relationship with oneself that establishes self respect, internal security and an understanding of who one is. In terms of offering, one can not offer anything that one has not already claimed as one’s own. If a women chooses to submit her power to her lover, then she had better know where the beginning, middle and end of that gesture is — or she will gets lost in translation.

‘My Muse’ by Vahan BegoHow do I know this? Everyday as a therapist I work with young woman, and then older women in my women’s circle, who have lost themselves along the way. My own experiences also have proven that if I don’t claim myself first, then whomever drops into my life is not getting the whole me.

Women Wisdom Carriers & Lawmakers | Male Law Enforcers

I once had the privilege of spending the evening with an Aboriginal wise woman from Australia, some twenty five years ago. She shared to a group of women that in their archaic culture, the women are the lawmakers for their society. They are recognized by the tribal men as the wisdom carriers. The role of the men is to be law enforcers.

Our woman of the world are rarely confident enough in their complexity ( because it hasn’t been exalted, nor encouraged but put down) to know how to harness their own power. It is the obligation of every woman to become deeply curious about what is required of oneself to sufficiently develop her will forces, so she can help shape her natural power into useful wisdom.

If women play with their power, give it away, never develop it fully, have traumatic incidents that rob them of the natural development of personal efficacy, she will be left in a submissive and weakened position that carries no weight in her family or society.

The impulse behind the feminist movement was to create an active reminder to all the patriarchal paradigms that women are as capable of self regulation and responsible decision making as any man, when given the respect, opportunity and equality.

Flirting with Submission

A perfect example which probably most women have experienced is when she finds herself submitting to sexual play that she otherwise would not be inclined toward, because she is “under the influence”. Yes, she is free from inhibition at the time and it looks and feels like submission, or surrenderance, is positive and empowering. That same woman is often left feeling a sense of self-degradation and anger. Why?

Whenever, a woman or man for that matter, acts out of a weaken, diluted will that is void of full consciousness, there is a little loss or death of the soul that is experienced. Often, in my therapy sessions of BodyWord®, I am helping women who don’t feel personally empowered to retrieve this lost soul power.

The question now becomes what else Taryn might have been exploring in her statements. Can an act of surrendering to other ever be a natural, fulfilling experience that is life giving? And, is there a more natural capacity for a woman versus a man?

I always get a little anxious around topics and photos where lover’s submission is implied, because I am unclear where the act of surrendering comes from. Other than the necessity of a woman to surrender in childbirth, it is a rare for a woman to be so flexible in her body, heart and soul.

Kneeling Woman Holding Painting of Herself by Frank Eugene 1900-1908The power of intention is at the heart of every human action to be contemplated. A woman who claims herself fully in the conscious act of sharing herself with her body as a expression of love is not partaking in an act of submission but in union — if the intention is mutual by both giver and receiver. This is the nature of Tantric union.

Submission vs Momentary, Mutual Tantric Surrender

I think Taryn mixed two different subject matters together: submission and momentary, mutual surrender. Exploring whether the capacity to be so open and vulnerable to another is a natural impulse of a woman more so than a man, I can’t answer. In my life I was privileged to feel moments of complete trust and it took a mutual capacity for such a union to occur. I also was aware of the rarity of such unity.

Personally if a couple can ever be so open, vulnerable without any resistances between them or within their own selves,  then they are acting on an impulse of total trust of pure love. Somewhere though Anne, I don’t see images of harnesses in those moments.

I have created a little test for your readers Anne. Imagine standing before your lover and being loosely tied up as suggested in one of Taryn’s photos and saying ” I am offering myself to you. I submit to you. “. What are you feeling in your body when you speak those words? Repeat them until you can honestly track all your feelings throughout your body’s energy centers. Check with your heart, your gut, your sexual centers, your throat, your breathing, your legs, your mind’s eye. Is all of you in agreement with your words? If not, what else are you feeling? What is the rest of your emotional body wisdom telling you?

Can one ever completely surrender to another unconditionally? I believe so momentarily that the veil of the ego can drop. When this happens the couple enters the realm of a spiritual experience. This is, of course, the exception, not the rule. It requires two beings able to share a greater state of grace, in the Presence of Love. A photograph all lovers would gaze upon without question.

Blessings and Love to Your Readers, Ellen

Ellen Gayda, founder of Bodyword® and The Labyrinth of the Feminine Soul, a wise woman’s circle

Women Who Run with ‘The Wolves’: A healthy woman is much like a wolf, strong life force, life-giving, territorily aware, intuitive and loyal. Yet seperation from her wildish nature causes a woman to become meager, anxious, and fearful. The wild nature carries the medicine for all things. She carries stories, dreams, words and songs. She carries everything a woman needs to be and know. She is the essence of the female soul… With the wild nature as ally and teacher, we see not through two eyes only, but through the many eyes of intuition. With intuition we are like the starry night, we gaze at the world through a thousand eyes. ~~Clarissa Pinkola Estes Women who run with wolves thanks to Perceptive Artista…

More Ellen Gayda: Body Psychotherapist Ellen Gayda Defines ‘Body Inhabitance’ | Do You Live in Your Body or Have You Gone Fishing? AOC Body

Update on Sun, December 11, 2011 by Anne

While the comments are few, there’s a lot of private discussion gonig on about Taryn’s editorial. To clarify again, the topics under discussion are 1) the humiliating image of Taryn being totally submissive and gagged. No other images are under discussion; 2) Why did she call the editorial ‘The Offering’? It seems that she is embracing submission. 3) Why does Taryn blame feminists for problems created by the patriarchy.

Taryn writes that she is working on a response to her article and its misunderstandings, including my own. The following dialogue has occurred between Taryn and me in the last couple weeks.

Taryn to me:

Anne, I know that this has brought a lot of pain to you. I also know your analysis of “The offering” is incorrect but I can see clearly your point of view and how you were able to gather your own interpretation based on events in your life. It essentially peeled the scab from a deep wound you had, that still needs to be healed. This isn’t about me and my message that comes from a place of love. This is about what happened to you when you were a child. This is about undoing the wrongs and making rights. It is also what’s empowered you to use your words and fight for unfair, unjust, and criminal acts against women.

What happened to you is something you never deserved. I’m so sorry you went through that and went through it alone. That was a terrible tragedy. I’m also sorry that my reflections and my latest art has effectively forced you to confront these events that were harmful, degrading, and unnatural.

I’m preparing something “in essay” format for your readers. However, disturbed and upset I still feel by your recent insults and misjudgments, I’ll try to look past it because this isn’t a piece to defend. This is a follow-up, which I’ll send when ready.

Please take care and find some peace and solidarity today through something beautiful you appreciate. Most importantly take solace in my words, for you will see in due time, the bigger message behind it all.
Taryn

Anne to Taryn:

Yes, Taryn, it IS about your title ‘The Offering” and the image you have put forth as an ideal image for women. I have women writing me asking “Why did she call it ‘The Offering” and she is in a totally submissive position like that. She looks deranged and humiliated. How is that a positive image for women, Anne? Why did she call it ‘The Offering’? So YOU write and I will repost exactly your words. What do you mean by ‘The Offering’ and what would I see in that one image and your words, if I wasn’t recovering from old wounds as you write. You never did say what you want women to learn from that photo, Taryn. So why don’t you answer their questions and Ellen’s excellent article honestly. What is ‘The Offering’ really about?

They ask me “Why is she gagged?” “Why did she give up her voice and prostate herself like that? What is she telling me to do?”  You are dealing with a generally stupid bunch of women who just don’t understand your lofty, artistic intention. In fact, I don’t know one woman who isn’t confused about the message you are sending us with that title and image. We thought we knew because generally we love the other images. But your imaginary interview, title ‘The Offering’ and totally degrading image of yourself are too complicated for our brains to understand. So why don’t you cut us all a break and state what you intention was with this title and that image.

The difference between you and me, Taryn, is that you submit. You want a daddy and if you can be adored by the patriarchy, you will sell every woman around you down the river. It’s as simple as that. I’ve known other women like you in life, but I admit that you got by me. I thought you were a strong woman based on your other editorials. Now I see you as a closet submissive who is trying to perpetuate your message far and wide and you are no different from Phylis Schlafly to me. You can be The Secretary for all I care; it’s different strokes for different folks. But don’t criticize the rest of us who are fighting to be taken seriously as intelligent women who are equals to men. Men have totally fucked up this world and I will not prostate myself to men with a ball being gagged. Personally, the vision disgusts me because I fight for women not to be chained and flogged. I will not be an Offering and I am proud to be a feminist. I didn’t read your message and asked a friend to do it. He failed, so I just read it. You are really arrogant Taryn. No problem. Enjoy your membership in the creative class.

Quite frankly, I believe that women are superior to men as generals, as presidents and as leaders of corporations. Most studies suggest this to be the case. So you bow down to the guys and I will align myself with enlightened men who are happy to collaborate and share power with women . . . men who believe that only women can get us out of this mess.

Comments

[Margaret]

So...gendered man or sexed man above gendered woman or sexed woman? What if one of them is trans? What if both are trans? Have these people taken reality into consideration?

[Anne]

Hi Margaret. I can't speak for Ellen, but her essay is in response to the specific claim and interview -- based on Biblical and Aristotle's teachings and Taryn's recent assertion -- that females are naturally submissive to males and feminism has screwed everything up. That is a perfectly valid talking point focused at the vast majority of AOC readers. A gay or transgender person in the submissive -- typically female -- role should go through the same self-reflecting exercise that Ellen proposes. I'm not sure who "these people" are. I do know that AOC's support of transgender and gay people is very well-established and I am 'beloved' so to speak for my writing on that topic. I also believe that what is for me -- statistically-speaking the big issue worldwide -- is monotheism's insistence on the submission of women and the control of all our bodies in every aspect. Along with that comes gay, transgender, you name it combinations of relationships. Two gay men aren't dealing with the repercussions of states trying to pass the personhood amendment. Bottom line, though, we are all in the same boat. The enemy is not feminism as Taryn suggests, but monotheism, fundamentalism and patriarchal thinking. We have a major goal in 2012 to tell feminism's history to a new group of young and uninformed readers of every age. There are zillions. Best, Anne

[Fellini]

"The long tale told by a creator by means of his works is a search on different levels, the search for a style, for coherence, for what is essential, an attempt to be more direct, more spontaneous, more sincere, less conceptual, to try to express oneself more fully in the most direct manner.  So it's a quest for the most authentic part of oneself, hence for the self.

To the therapist: To be sure, the psychological profile of a creator, of an artist, obviously feeds on what are essentially psychological traumatisms, the injuries, the scars of its psychic existence.  There's a beneficial aspect to neurosis in that it enables one to establish a depository, a warehouse, a treasure trove, from which one can draw ample resources.  All fables deal with a treasure at the bottom of the ocean, or a cave guarded by monsters or dragons.  You have to defeat those dragons.

Art,  is something that comforts us, reassures us, tells us about life in terms that are extremely protective. I think it is a necessity, an interpretation of life that, probably left unto itself, would seem devoid of meaning, totally insignificant, a monstrosity.  It makes us think about life which otherwise would only amount to a heart that beats, a stomach that digests, lungs that breathe, eyes that are filled with senseless images.  I believe that art is the most successful attempt  to instill in mankind the need to have a religious feeling, that's what any kind of art expresses."
 Fellini 

(You know nothing of the creative and artistic expression and freedom in her artwork, so evident by your  bewildered visceral responses which will only lead to, as you see, nothing more than controversy)

[Anne]

Fellini, I do think you miss the point that Taryn's artwork didn't launch the controversy. Her word charges against feminism and blaming feminists like me for upsetting the natural order of relations between the sexes triggered the controversy. No one here -- least of all Ellen or I -- is against religious feelings and art tapping into those feelings. We are against the patriarchal destruction of all the religious power that women held before monotheism and their refusal to share religious leadership with women today. We are against the burning of our history and treating pagan goddesses as witches who should be burned at the stake. We are against ministers today calling Oprah the antichrist (Rick Perry's guy) and me Jezebel. Your God is a complex guy with lots of interpreters spreading his message.

Taryn wrote the interview and chose the questions that triggered this controversy, deciding to use her art and words to make a claim against women like myself and Ellen. If Taryn's art in 'The Offering' is meant to inspire, many of her images did just that. The majority of AOC readers embrace not only a stronger connection to our sensuality and sexuality, but also to nature, to empathy, to balance and love between humans. As I wrote her and published, all my women feminist friends were behind her, and I say that Taryn bites the female hands that hold her and support her right to be photographed nude as part of her message. She has a strange way of saying thank you.

Ellen doesn't have a bewildered visceral response to Taryn's surrender image.above She has a negative response. So do I.

Speaking only for my self, I have a negative response to religious zealots who want to make America a theocracy, to the Vatican who condemns countless millions of women to death in Africa and around the world, providing them no condoms against their AIDS-infected husbands. "Just say 'no', " says Rome. I do not like women on their knees unless men go down first and preferably Pope Benedict is at the front of the parade.

I personally was judged by my priest, when I was sexually assaulted at age 15 and got down on my knees two days later, swearing on the Bible that I was telling the truth. I was a devout Catholic then. My attacker and near-miss rapist (his wife walked in the door)-- our best friend and the priest's drinking buddy also got down on his knees. The priest explained that one of us had committed a mortal sin, because one of us was lying. The next day at church, the laws of the universe put my attacker and me next to each other at the communion rail. Father Ben gave Dick McCaffrey (there, I uttered those words for the first time in public) communion. Me next -- he paused, then denied me communion -- hanging a scarlet psychological letter around my neck for years. He didn't want me to commit a second mortal sin taking the holy sacrament. Eventually my attacker ended up in another woman's bedroom and he was run out of town. She was 40 and didn't go to her priest for help.

Your suggestion that I shouldn't have a visceral response to Taryn's art asks too much of my psyche, emotions and all scientific knowledge about how the brain works. 'The Offering' doesn't inspire me, and I find it the most degrading image of womanhood on this website. Am I saddened that it came from someone I have championed. Yes.

I find your comment "bewildered visceral responses" about Ellen's words to be very condescending. I agree with much of what you wrote, but to belittle Ellen and me by osmosis, because Taryn's words and surrender image triggered our resistance and failure to be in awe of her message, suggests that we are poor country bumpkins not worthy of hanging out in art galleries.

In reality, both of us are far more experienced and exposed in the art world than Taryn perhaps ever will be. Given the significant age difference, of course we have the edge on her. We are also more educated, more experienced, better trained and have lists of accomplishments that run circles around Taryn. In her own words, Taryn doesn't relate to women very well. She prefers men. Fine. Just don't expect her submissive message to resonate with strong women dedicated to improving women's lives around the globe.

Ellen's and my actions in our careers are well publicized and stand on their own merit. I am not a lesser being because I'm not inspired by the core message of 'The Offering". I find it offensive to reason, the real facts of women's history and every psychology book I've read in my long life. Many people believe that Ellen and I have wisdom.

Presently, I'm reading for the fourth time Ernest Becker's "The Denial of Death". In prior readings, I never spent as much time on the role of religion in death and destruction. The entire topic of women and patriarchal religion is front and center at AOC, and I'm not turning back on the subject for religion's instance that men run things and women submit.

Enough said. As you can see Fellini, Taryn pushed one real hot button with this act -- not so much with her images -- but adding context to her images with her anti-feminists views. She also lost much of my respect when she accused a patient, supportive me who was trying to understand her vision of trying to rough her up. Claims of stress and not feeling up to par didn't help either. She reminds me of a kid who sets the hen house on fire and then runs down the street covering her ears, unable to cope with the commotion s(he) has created.

Taryn dropped this intellectual gauntlet and she now understands that not all of us are inspired by her vision. If Taryn is half the artistic intellectual she purports to be, she will leave a comment or submit an essay clarifying what she really wants us women (not her men friends) to see and learn from 'The Offering'. I will be happy to publish it unedited. Best regards, Anne