With all the hoopla around the Ralph Lauren ads and Karl Lagerfeld’s psychological slap across the face to ‘potato chip eating fat mommies’, women’s ire and frustration are focused at designers. There’s more to this picture, and it involves us.
“Perfection is as easy as a good pushup bra and some Spanx.” Just remember, it was a catty, competitive Modern-values Melrose Place girl who said that.
As today’s Wall Street Journal points out in “Shapewear Has Women Bent Out of Shape”, the issue of body manipulation extends far beyond designer ads. In our relentless pursuit of perfection, women have bought into the picture, tripling the size of the body-girdle market since 2000 to $750 million last year.
Yes, I know. Our grandmothers and even great-ones wore girdles in the Fifties. Seventies women said “no way”. But Modern values advocate female perfection at every cost to young women. And let’s face it, gravity is setting in on mom.
All is not lost. In-shape older women know a thing or two about men and female libido both. In a post about authenticity, Sophia Loren delivers real-deal, real-woman bombshell!
Sophia Loren Photo Shoot
Imagine these three new-purchase scenarios. You are considering a grand seduction, and not simply a move to impress your high friends at a class reunion. If a man (I should also acknowledge that bisexuality is on the rise among women) is the target of your critical thinking, you only belong in one of these fantasies as a Smart Sensuality woman.
Two saucy visions invite problems of l’amour execution and self-confidence in the bedroom. Besides, you believe in authenticity, don’t you. Women scream bloody murder that men are not what they claim to be. Ahem!
The first nightmare: In the case of the widely-promoted, celeb-chatted Spanx, you and your guy are about to enjoy your first tug of war. You have visions of looking like Nicole Kidman, featured on December’s British GQ.
As I wrote in yesterday’s immediately Top 10 A of C article, it’s living a little dangerously that keeps Kidman’s life tip top. See Enjoying a Bit of Kinky Sex Is Part of Nicole Kidman’s Career Path.
You do not need Spanx to seduce. Consider one of those “I Dreamed I Conquered the World in My Maidenform Bra” ads from the Sixties. I believe they relied on lace and genuine breast tissue.
Spanx Scene One: Tonight is the night. Wriggling your way into your Spanx, you feel confident and ready to conquer the world in a babe-worthy cocktail dress. After all, it’s his birthday and you intend to deliver the big gift in person.
You’ve put him through the military drill long enough. Scheming through your grand seduction, you look lovingly at yourself in the mirror.
On you, there’s no question about the technology of putting 25 pounds of extra fat in a 5 pound container. In all honesty, you don’t need Spanx in the first place, but the pursuit of perfection is always your goal.
“You look smooth, baby.”
Spanx Scene Two: It’s only later in the evening when all is going splendidly and the two of you are inseparably close, his hand lingering first on your shoulder, but working slowly down your back, that a vision appears in your mind.
Every ounce of your libido plummets; panic is your new mood.
Having mastered the female seduction rule book, he knows that foreplay is critical. For now he’s giving you the tiniest little kisses here and there. Yes, he has visions of your black polyester frock on the bathroom floor of the bar, but the guy is contolling himself, not evaluating the men’s room versus the ladies. There will be no tactical mistakes on his end.
Spanx Scene Three: You, too, are now worried about self-control, but of a different kind. Between you and the nectar of the gods is your Spanx. Why in heavens sake did you believe Ellen, Oprah and that catty, superficial woman on Melrose Place, who wants all the men!
Think again. Perhaps you have a headache for real this time. After all, it’s been such a tough work at work, and it’s getting late, and you haven’t had your flu shot.
Maybe like Brittany Bohn, 27, a lawyer in Chicago, you will lock yourself in the bar bathroom to wriggle out of what she calls a “girdle/long-underwear contraption” that was rolling down her rib cage and making her bulges look bigger than they actually are.
Spanx presents a tactical, ‘how to get under the hood’ challenge in the bedroom. The bigger the distribution area, the tougher it is to be free of Spanx.
Unlike the men in your life, it doesn’t want to give you up. Instead, Spanx is devoted to you, refusing to let go even, when you are begging to be free of her. Suddenly your trusted armor becomes needly. “Don’t leave me,” she cries.
I admit personally to putting on one Spanx strapless garment for about five minutes, feeling as sexy as a brick wall, and never wearing it again. I failed to see that the redistribution of my wealth did anything for my prospects of closing a delicious deal.
No perfect body for me, because I hate surprises in the bedroom, if you get my drift. Let me rephrase that sentence. The only surprises I like are of the creative, seductive, blow my mind kind.
In my experience, an earnest, engaged, involved presence, creativity and promise of imagination in bed, do far more than Spanx in getting him to commit.
Just remember, a creative mind keeps a woman in the driver’s seat and he will be eating out of your hand and beyond.
Another bottom lin, even more critical, issue in my playbook concerns misrepresentation. If you’re serious about taking off your clothes with any guy, there’s the matter of ‘what you see is what you get’.
Victoria’s Secret’s Miraculous is guaranteed to add two cup-sizes to a woman’s bustline.
Having worked at VS for 10 years and consulted on many pushup bras, they work. My concern is not about product failure here. I would stake my lingerie industry reputation on the fact that you will be transformed from a simply alluring 36B woman into a 36D bombshell.
Furthermore, I totally embrace each woman finding her inner bombshell. And once you find her, don’t you let go of her, until they’re putting your urn of ashes on the fireplace mantle.
Let’s be honest here. There’s one heck of a difference between a 36B and a 36D. Ladies, you can’t be messing with a man’s mind in this way! You are asking for a seduction meltdown of the worst possible kind. He could deflate right along with you, at the reality check moment.
Miraculous Scene One: Let’s assume this ad happens. This stud muffin actually picks you up in your sample-sale stilletos and walks towards the doorway. Ever since you were a little girl, you dreamed of this moment.
OK, so there’s no crockpot like Ivanka Trump had on her recent bridal-registry list, but you are airborne in strong, masculine arms. What’s more, his eyes have been lingering over your bombshell chest all evening. I would write salivating, but this is Anne of Carversville and not Sexy Futures.
Ladies; ladies. Consider what is about to happen.
Victoria’s Secret 2009 Miraculous Push Up Bra
Miraculous Scene Two: That lovely damsel being carried off to bed in the Victoria’s Secret commercial isn’t worried about her 34F-looking bosom only being a 34D. We are talking about you here. B’s and C’s aren’t so bad.
Miraculous Scene Three: I don’t know about you, but if I was being transported in this hunky guy’s arms towards the bedroom door, I would be thinking: “He’s going to kill me!” I only speak metaphorically, of course.
It’s time for a reality check! Turning out the lights won’t help. He’s sized up the situation and you cannot fool Mother Nature, once she plants a fantasy in your mind. He will feel the difference no less.
Would you be indignant and throw him our if he said: “You damn liar!” instead of “You little deveil?” Of course you would.
Being a woman of considerable reputation in the lingerie industry and beyond, I have a recommendation here. Save it. ‘Just say no’ and save the miraculous bra for a couple months down the road.
Being devoted to the perpetuation of sensually-hot unions, I think that using the maraculous bra as a sexy tease — a couple’s private secret, rather than just Victoria’s Secret — , is sexual-fantasy worthy.
Remember what Nicole Kidman says: “live dangerously” in the bedroom.
Let his guy friends think you’re a bombshell. If you’re not into swinging, his friends will never know the truth. This is a strong vote for monogamy, hot romance and your eternal self-confidence. Let them salivate and buy your guy an extra beer.
Men love to show off their toys, and there’s nothing wrong with it being you on occasion. Let him stretch the truth beyond the world of Spanx. We’re talking fluidity here, fantasy in motion, spontaneity! And YOU are the center of it.
In praise of authenticity, you have embraced your inner bombshell, because after wearing your props for awhile, you actually believe that you are hot without them. Mission accomplished.
He adores you for keeping his imagination running in high gear, even if your body isn’t the same after two kids. In fact, he adores you for even caring about his libido.
Are you crazy! You are hotter than all the Victoria’s Secret bombshells in bed with him at the same time! Maybe not for the first two minutes of the fantasy, but when he starts thinking about his own end of the deal, you will look soooooo good to him, as long as you keep cracking the proverbial real-deal bombshell whip.
Sophia Loren in Black Corset
Sophia Loren, that gorgeous ‘ol hag, along with most French women, will suggest that you make further investments in your lingerie wardrobe, children or not. NK agrees.
AND, now that VS is selling Booty Parlor toys online, you might place one or two of them in his bottom drawer. Darn, they’re only selling love potions in the beauty department. So pretend, OK? You never know when you might have a desire for a little afternoon self-pleasure, even if he does insist that’s his job.
Secrets. Secrets. Secrets. I won’t tell if you don’t. We will take up this volatile topic another day. Many men do like vibrators in the bedroom, but they think they should drive them.
Don’t be harsh on men for this wanting to help attitude. We’re in deep gender-relations psychological territory here.
Authentic Shoe Fantasy
Post Spanx and Miraculous, we’re left with the subject of shoes this morning. The NY Times says that shoe sales are up, and I approve heartily. Recession or not, women are embracing A Not-So-Guilty Pleasure.
In case you think shoes are only about less expensive economics and cost per wearing, as one business guy calculated for NYT, women know that shoes are an emotional purchse.
On the subject of shoes, women step front and center into the Ralph Lauren, potato chip, body image debate.
“Shoes democratize fashion,” said Kathryn Finney, who writes the Budget Fashionista blog. “You probably can’t buy a Zac Posen dress if you wear a size 14, but you can buy a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes.”
Or, as Jennifer Black, president of research company Jennifer Black and Associates, put it: “It’s just fun to shop for shoes. Maybe part of the fun is you don’t feel fat. And you don’t get hot. It’s exhausting trying clothes on, especially the skinny jeans.”
Unless you’re wearing full-body Spanx that have created unusually puffy ankles on your otherwise gorgeous, a bit of potato-chip body, buying a par of new shoes can be a psychologically-positive, authentic fantasy experience with no downside.
If like me, you have size 11 feet, even shoe shopping is a bit daunting, but all in all, it’s a not-evil experience.
Add a pair of fishnets to your shoe purchase, and you’ll still get carried through the doorway with your humble 34C breasts. Casually drop a stilleto, making a tiny thud on the gorgeous wood floor of that Victoria’s Secret mansion, and you will not get a new toaster for Christmas.
Make it totally clear that the New Year you will wear seamed stockings on rare occasions, as long as he doesn’t buy you a trashy red garter belt.
Understand that science has confirmed his dopamine levels rocket with red, so consider your objective here. Unlike Spanx, you may want to bend a little.
Sophia, Marilyn, Isabelle, Anais and I will all be applauding you from on high, and you are driving your own convertible, so to speak. You have no worries of a traffic ticket at the stop light, and no need to prove your innocence to the court or clergy.
You are your own woman, my dear.
True, sturdy walking shoes and Nike runners are part of the shoe-shopping picture, as reported by the NYT, but at least shoes are for real.
If you feel confident and sexy in new boots, who cares if they’re made for mountain climbing.
There’s many a man who adores an outdoor girl. And take it easy beating him to the top of the mountain, OK? Let him get his manly thing going on, if you want to know nirvana in your pup tent.
There’s no reason why you can’t arrive at the summit together, but that’s another tale of love. Many kisses to all. Anne
Read: Shapewear Has Women Bent Out Of Shape WSJ
“Gossip Girl” costume designer Eric Daman weighed in on YOU power in yesterday’s WSJ “Speakeasy” column.
Daman, who was toasting the publication of his new style guide, “You Know You Want It,” believes achieving the right look is “80% confidence, 20% style.” “Everyone takes fashion so seriously,” he said. “I see girls that get so dramatically upset that they have to take a Xanax because they can’t have those shoes. You don’t need those shoes.”
On topics covered in my journal Daman says: “When the dress comes off, you have to represent what’s under there.”
On the topic of Spanx, Daman says that if a woman wears her Spanx with confidence, it’s fine. “Some guys think Spanx is sexy,” says the nation’s new style guru. Hmmm. I must investigate this new perversion. A
This new Victoria’s Secret commercial is based on Modern values.
The clip is the handiwork of Transformers director Michael Bay, who has done commercials for the fashion brand in the past.
It was aired for the first time during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show which was shown on December 1 on CBS.
Victoria’s Secret Commercial By Michael Bay HD